Monday, December 04, 2006

4 am

'i heard the laughter at the depot
but my tears fell like the rain
when i saw them place that long white casket
in the baggage coach of the evening train

the baby's eyes are red from weeping
its little heart is filled with pain
oh daddy cried they're taking mama
away from us on the evening train

as i turned to walk away from the depot
it seemed i heard her call my name
take care of my baby and tell him darling
that i'm going home on the evening train

i pray that god will give me courage
to carry on 'til we meet again
it's hard to know she's gone forever
they're carrying her home on the evening train'
(J Cash)

He wrestled with his demons all his life, thats why so many adored him, and why he was so loved - a broken man just trying to piece his life back together.

i thought the tears would stop,

but they don't.

how do we know where we belong?

the shadows,

the arc of the moon,

the autumn leaves that have fallen,

the ocean that is as blue as my eyes.

it's all so far far away,

the innocence of children playing...

what can we take when we go?

i have nothing to hold, nothing.

when i close my eyes i can picture my grandfather singing old gospels;

what does that mean?

broken down at the side of the road?

clipped wings that can no longer fly?

why when i look at me do i see you?

tonight it's hard to learn to breathe again,

but that's nobody's fault but my own...

...the wind is blowing and i can't get to the sails

that's what i'm feeling at 4am this morning


Julie said...

Drop by my pub sometime and I'll pull you a Guinness and we can have a good old Julie

The Harbour of Ourselves said...

sounds a good idea to me - where is it again?

The Father said...

ITS only because you are locked in a darkened room watching the west wing . Your an addict - you need help .

The Harbour of Ourselves said...


you are correct - i watched 2 episodes and then tried to sleep again

Toby is pissed at being number 16 - looks like a bumpy ride for the good man in the house called white!

am beyond help - and need season 3 to arrive soon as i will be done with 2 this week

salutations to you good father

Julie said...'s in Oxford. If your'e ever over this way drop me an email and I can tell you where the pub is!

Trailady said...

This is an incredible post!

Very deep emotion and I can strongly relate. Perhaps these feelings are that which we 30-somethings commonly experience?

We are challenged by the realization of our own weaknesses, yet still hopeful that dreams may come to be reality. We learn to accept our limitations, yet still want to fly...

Bless you.

Trailady said...

This is an incredible post.

I can strongly relate to the feelings you have expressed here. Perhaps this is something we 30- somethings go through?

We are still young enough to be dreamers, but we are coming to grasp the reality of mortality and the limitations of life.

Year ago, there was a song by the group Mr. Mister called 'Broken Wings'. Look it up sometime- I dedicate it to you...

Niki said...

I posted here this morning then proceeded to crash the computer system...oops.

As FS Fitzgerald said; "In the long dark night of the soul it is always three o' clock in the morning." That's how I feel anyway.

Is this something you can deal with on your own? Can you exorcise your demons?

mister tumnus said...

hey there. check out my blog for what i wanted to say in response to this. hope the daylight brought some relief. CS.

a m y said...

this post is so eloquent, and resonates deeply with the parts of myself that feel clipped and unable to soar...thank you for sharing.

The Harbour of Ourselves said...

you people have said some profound and kind things. much of my struggles are too personal for me to be specific and most self inflicted - the tragedy is when the consequences hurt others

this site was always meant to be a space to share my thoughts and reflections and feelings in the hope that it might save on shrink bills and the dialogue ensuing be helpful to others, so my thanks for all who contribute to the conversation...

Niki said...

Don't forget though that sometimes we need a little extra help

Suzanna said...

birds with clipped wings eventually get new feathers.
Gaze into the still water beside your boat.
If you're addicted to the adventure, you'll soon be addicted to the peaceful water.
Your face isn't seen in the high speed
but rather in the translucent reflection.
I think God longs to see you as much as you long to be seen.
I have been reminded lately that there is a comfort in the evening
You will discover it-

The Harbour of Ourselves said...

suzanna, i hope so because the night is cold and lonely. I never thought i would be so afraid of the night hours...

niki, i don't know if you can exorcise your demons - tom waits once suggested that we need them, for if we exorcise them, our angels might just leave too....

truth? i just don't fucking know, am thinking not

Mata H said...

Beloved friend whom I have never met --

It is time for some home truths. Now you get to do what seems stupid and impossible and what will make you angry. It feels hard and inappropriate. But do it anyway. Write out a list of TWENTY things that you are thankful for. A gratitude list.

Yes, it seems cloying, a foolish thing to do. Do it anyway. The darkness will rise up and try and stop you. Do not let it. It will tell you that this is a waste of time. Do not believe it. It will say you do not have 20 things to be thankful for. It is lying.

Defiantly write that list. It is the map to your life raft. I promise.

Niki said...

i never thought of it like that

Awareness said...

4am shadows loom larger than any time of the day.......ancestral visits too. I often suffer from insomnia and find myself wrapped up in unrestrainable (is that a word?) thoughts that seem to want to take over.

I have learned to channel my fears through writing. Writing has become a good friend to me in the looming hours of early morning. It sheds light...sometimes just a tiny ray of light, but it allows me to feel connected.

When my shadows fight to take over and the shape of them seem daunting, I try to remember that there are many others.......lost souls, productive souls, determined souls who are out there......trying to make sense of their lives.

4am ......... a coming together of reality and mysticism.

Mercy rises with the sun.

A Place to WRESTLE about God and Jesus said...

This really touched me......touched me and yet in a strange way encouraged me...He is with us...

The Harbour of Ourselves said...

i guess were there are cracks there's light....i guess, and i guess it's not just children who have nightmare's and are afraid of the dark and it's lies...

ps, thanks mata

Anna said...

Great post. I love Cash! I especially like your comment you posted at the end...where there are cracks, there's light....

Thank God for that....